


In The Midst Of It All

by anchoringsouls



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Doctor Iwa-chan, M/M, Major Character Injury, olympic athlete oikawa, this is kinda angsty I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-08
Updated: 2015-08-08
Packaged: 2018-04-13 10:47:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4518960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anchoringsouls/pseuds/anchoringsouls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What's it like, Hajime," he says evenly, drawing his eyes up to stare his lover straight in the eyes.</p><p> <br/>"To be Tokyo's best surgeon and not be able to save the one person who matters the most to you?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Midst Of It All

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is, I'm sorry.

 

 

 

 

_"The weight, I'm gone-_

_In my skin, I'm lost."_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

  

"How long will you be gone?" 

 

Iwaizumi brushes his lips against the side of Oikawa's neck, gently ghosting his nose up against the brunette's jawline and littering fluttering kisses on his eyelids. Oikawa sighs, relaxed and content with the action. The two of them lay in bed, Iwaizumi atop of him and Oikawa settled beneath. The first four buttons of Oikawa's dress shirt are opened; his hair is tousled from calloused hands running through them earlier. Iwaizumi's hair is no better and his shirt is wrinkled, loose sleeves drawn up to his elbows. 

"Four days," the spiky haired man breathes out gently. His mouth is back to OIkawa's neck, planting tiny kisses all the way down to his collar bones.  

Oikawa frowns, threading his long skinny fingers through Iwaizumi's dark hair. He pulls him closer, closing his eyes and burying his nose in his hair. "It's so long."

"Just four days," Iwaizumi repeats, mumbling the words into Oikawa's soft skin. It's time like these-the hardest parts-when Iwaizumi is gentle. It's a routine almost, a calm before a storm. The night before Iwaizumi has to leave for work, Oikawa is pampered with gentle and soft kisses. Promising words are whispered in his ear and rough hands slowly glide along his skin, leaving a burning trail of desire. 

Oikawa is too scared to say goodbye. 

Because goodbye meant forever.

And the olympic athlete would never be ready for that moment, even if it was inevitable one day. Even in death, Oikawa believed he would find Iwa-chan again. He refused to believe that there was a life without Iwa-chan. 

"Take me with you?" Oikawa whispers. He feels Iwa-chan shift slightly and then pull away just enough so that he can see his face. The shorter man's eyes brows are pulled together and a sad smile is placed on his lips. 

"You know I would if I could Tooru," he answers him, voice low and hoarse. He runs his fingers through Oikawa's fringe, lacing his free hand with the setter's. They stay like that for a while, quietly gazing into each other's eyes. It's not until Oikawa finds his eyes drooping slightly that Iwa-chan speaks again.

"You're tired, Tooru."

"No 'm not."

"Close your eyes, it's okay."

"But you'll be gone in the morning," Despite the retort, he complies with Iwa-chan's order and lets his eyes close swiftly. The man above him shifts again so that Oikawa is nestled against his warm body. Tightly he holds him, breath eventually evening out. 

Tooru knows Iwa-chan won't be there in the morning. He always leaves before the brunette awakens.

 _It's easier that way_ , Tooru thinks. His last memories of his boyfriend won't be him walking away from him. Rather, he can seek comfort in the memory of them sharing gentle touches and embraces with words that leave the two of them shivering in bliss. 

Four days.

Oikawa won't cry until tomorrow morning-until tomorrow when he knows Iwa-chan will be on a safe plane millions miles away in the air and far enough so he won't see his boyfriend's tears. He's selfish in the sense that sometimes he wishes Iwaizumi wouldn't leave. The only one he wants him to save is himself.

But someone deep down inside, Tooru cannot accept the irony of that statement.

Because as much as it may hurt-

 

Tooru knows Iwaizumi can't save him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

_"Tangled in the bones of this love-_

_Melding to the flow of your blood."_  

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Three raps at the door awaken Oikawa from his deep sleep. 

Groaning, he unwillingly turns himself over and buries his face in his pillow. The insistent knocking continues and despite his hopes of the stranger going away, Oikawa drags himself out of bed, reaches for the set of crutches that are beside his bed and heads over to the front door. 

He's not surprised to find Kuroo standing outside his door with coffee and a bag from the cafe down the street. The man with unruly hair has a knowing grin plastered on his face. Not amused at all and utterly grouchy, the brunette slams the door in his friend's face. The knocking continues. Reluctantly, Oikawa lets out a heavy sigh and swings the door open only to the cat like man shove his way past him. 

"I figured you would be in one of your moods since Iwaizumi left so being the amazing friend I am, I brought you breakfast." Still dazed, Oikawa watches from the door as Kuroo easily maneuvers himself around his apartment, setting up the table. The bed head man reaches for the remote and turns on the TV, lowering the volume to a comfortable buzzing level. It was for Oikawa's sake of course.  

It hadn't always been like that. He used to find serenity in the beauty that was silence but ever since Iwa-chan started taking lengthy trips, he found that the silence was suffocating. It was a terrifying reminder that he was alone.

"Come on, your croissant is going to get cold if you continue to stand there like an idiot." It was times like these that Oikawa appreciated his friend. That was the thing about Kuroo, he was quite perceptive. 

Resting a hand on Oikawa's back, Kuroo ushers the lanky man to the kitchen table. It takes a second for Oikawa to process what's going on. He feels zombie-like, head fuzzy and mushy. 

Without much will, Oikawa grabs the croissant and takes a bite out of it. "Thank you."

Kuroo hums in response, leaning back in his chair and taking a long sip of his coffee. The cat like man is staring out the large glass wall into the bustling morning city. His gaze seems far gone, thoughts lost in the midst of the sight before him.

"Looks like most of the swelling on your knee has gone down," Kuroo muses.

Oikawa follows his gaze, frowning. "Yeah, I suppose so; it still hurts though. This knee brace isn't doing shit."

The black hair man nods, setting down his coffee. "Well, what else can you expect. You did tear your ACL." 

Taking his last bite, Oikawa sips at his coffee, washing down the last remains. When he finally tears his gaze away from the window, he meets the intense stare of Kuroo. The middle blocker's jaw is set, eyes hard and sharp, and lips tight. 

"What?" Oikawa asks flatly. 

"I'm surpirsed."

"Ehhh?? Why?!"

"If we're being honest here, I thought you would have been taking this a lot harder. I was preparing myself for puffy red eyes from bawling all morning."

"RUDE!!!"

Kuroo laughs, head thrown back and eyes crinkling. Crossing his arms over his chest, Oikawa pouts. "I do not ugly cry,"  he argues, grumbling the words out like a defensive child. 

"Oho? You don't?" Kuroo lamely counters back. Oikawa is definitely not open for this discussion. Ignoring his friend, the brunette gather's his trash and attempts to stand, ready to throw it away. He hears the chair glide against the floor and the next thing he knows, Kuroo is beside him taking the garbage from him. As the black haired man throws the items away, the brown haired man settles himself on his crutches again to make his way over to the couch where his friend now resides. 

Oikawa follows and plops himself beside the man with terrible hair. "Four days is a long time."

Kuroo is messing with his hair, poorly attempting to tame some of the fraying stands. "I'm sure he misses you too, Grand King."

Oikawa tilts his head toward Kuroo, "Don't you think it's odd, Kuroo?"

"What is?"

"That immediately right after I tear my ACL, Iwa-chan suddenly has all these weird medical trips?" He pouts, glaring at the rebellious strands the refuse to cooperate with his cat like friend. "I'm not stupid, I know he's up to something."

Kuroo gives up, letting his hands fall lifelessly in his lap. He doesn't look at Oikawa, instead he leans back into the leather cushion and stares up at the ceiling. Oikawa lets his friend ponder on the thought for a while, a comfortable silence resting between the two Olympic teammates. 

"You think he's running away from you?" Kuroo presses, finally turning to look at his friend. Kuroo's eyes are contemplating, as if he's ready for any answer that Oikawa will give. Admittly, it makes the setter a bit nervous. He forgets his friend holds some power of intimidation. 

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Oikawa moves his gaze to the freshly cleaned carpet. "I don't know," the brown haired man confesses quietly. For a second, Oikawa doesn't even recognize his own voice.  "I think I hurt him a lot this time."

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_"Grace bestowed-_

_But I was shaped with snow."_  

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It had happened two weeks prior when Oikawa was playing in a friendly that Brazil had been hosting. It had taken one bad jump serve to leave the setter withering on the floor with the echoing sound of a  _pop_! Quickly they had rushed Oikawa back to Tokyo to the hospital that Iwa-chan worked out.  _  
_

Unfortunately, after the results from a MRI, it turned out that Oikawa had in fact torn his ACL and would be needing surgery in the following weeks to come. As terrified as the athlete was, he could only hope the procedure would happen quickly and safely. The upcoming Olympic games were quickly approaching and Tooru was no fool to believe one could rush recovery or rehabilitation. Those were delicate and essential assets if he wanted to play volleyball again.

Undoubtedly, the topic of _who_ would be preforming sugary on the world famous olympic athlete came up.  Without an ounce of hesitance, Oikawa had deemed Iwa-chan worthy of the task. 

"I want you do it, Iwa-chan," Oikawa had said in bed one night when the topic had finally risen to occasion. The doctor had stayed quiet for some time, shifting so that he was facing his brown haired lover. 

"Do you realize what you're asking me, Tooru?" 

Tooru. He was being quite serious. "Of course, Hajime. I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe in your capability."

"No-Oikawa, I can't," he reasoned, eyes going hard and brows scrunching together in frustration. "It's a lot of pressure." 

Oikawa frowned, disappointed with Hajime's reaction. He had expected his lover to agree, to be honored and proud but-not this. It was surprising to say in the least. Iwa-chan rarely turned down Oikawa's requests. And if he did it was because they were something silly or unrealistic.  

But this wasn't silly or unrealistic. No, this was something very serious. 

Angry, Oikawa hauled himself to sit up and glare down at Iwa-chan. "Don't _you_ love me, Hajime?!" 

Iwa-chan shifts himself so that sitting up facing Oikawa head on, face twisted with emotions caught between disbelief and exasperation. "Of course I love you," he states, appalled. "And that's exactly why I can't do it."

"So you can work on everyone else except me?"

"Oh don't pull that shit, Oikawa. You know what I mean!" he all but shouts, rolling onto his knees to tower over the setter. 

Tooru knows how to push Hajime's buttons. With the right phrasing, he can unravel the man that is Iwaizumi Hajime. He knows this man before him can do the same, they're equals. Oikawa can shatter this man right now in a matter of seconds, he can push the boundaries that they are too scared to touch. But Oikawa is emotional right now, raw anger bubbles inside of him.

He doesn't yell or shout. He simply says the words with an air of nonchalance.

"What's it like, Hajime," he says evenly, drawing his eyes up to stare his lover straight in the eyes. "To be Tokyo's best surgeon and not be able to save the one person who matters the most to you?"

In seconds, Hajime's face falls, harsh wrinkles disappearing and lips turning downward. His shoulders sag-deflate in defeat as he leans back, away from Oikawa who has just spoken words they will never be able to take back. 

Oikawa wants to apologize immediately but he can't. Because those words actually held some truth and he's too consumed with anger to think straight right now.

But the unexpected happens.

Oikawa watches as a single tears falls silently down Hajime's face. Tooru's eyes grow wide with realization and it starts to hit him exactly how much pain he's inflicted on Iwa-chan. If there's one thing Oikawa hates more than anything in the world, it's Iwaizumi crying-espcially if he has something to do with those tears.

He raises his hand to swipe the tear away but he's shut out. Swiftly, Hajime turns his head away, shoulder's quivering slightly.

"Iwa-chan-"

Wordlessly, Iwaizumi had untangled himself from the sheets on the bed and exited the room. There was no loud stomping or yelling or banging of doors. No, Hajime had quietly made his way across their apartment to their guest room, and softly shut the door.

He left Oikawa with nothing but plaguing thoughts and a sorrowful regrets. Loneliness suffocated Oikawa, drawing him into a deep sleep that night.

 

 

In the morning, Oikawa was greeted with a very professional Iwa-chan, luggage in hand claiming he was called by the hospital urgently for a special medical trip that really needed his assistance. It became a routine then. Over the next spand of weeks, Iwa-chan would leave for three days only to return for two and then leave again.

Whatever that had gone down that night was sealed away. Both of them avoided the topic, falling into a sweet sea of ignorance as they pushed the topic away. Neither dared to bring it up, afraid to cross that bridge. Instead, they fell comfortably back into a whatever it was they had before. They continued to talk, exchange kisses, share embraces. They still whispered promising words of love into the dark night in their bedroom when Hajime returned home.

They hoped to forever stay in this season of blissful ignorance. But that was the thing about time. It waited for no one.

 

One day, it would eventually catch up to the two and they would be forced to deal with the ugly skeleton they swept into the closet. Their relationship became a fragile thing, a ticking time bomb. They walked on eggshells, hesitantly and constantly worrying about each other.

 

It would happen soon and the eye of the storm would catch them off gaurd, carrying this delicate thing called love and wrecking it completely.  

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

_"Seasons don't change-_

_Ignorance remains."_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Despite being somewhat crippled, Oikawa still went out of his way to resume his daily life activities. With the aid of some workers and security (mind he didn't really believe he needed but his manager argued otherwise) Oikawa took a trip back to Seijou to watch one of Takeru's high school volleyball matches. Out of the respect he felt for his hometown, he dismissed security, telling them to wait outside the school instead. The people here knew him well enough due to Oikawa's frequent trips. No one really bothered him while he watched the match. Of course there was the few stares and squeals of delight but other than that, the volleyball star viewed the game with relative peace. Today's match was rather special for the brunette. Takeru-a setter just like his uncle-would be going up against Shiratorizawa. 

The game ended with a win from Aoba Jousai's side, of course going into two rounds of tying but nonetheless, they had managed to pull out a win. Waiting for Takeru outside in the hall of the gym, he watched from afar as his nephew made he way out with one of the cheerleaders from Shiratorizawa. They exchanged a couple of words, the young girl blushing furiously when Takeru pecked her on the cheek. At that, Oikawa raised his eyebrows at his nephew. Takeru threw a quick glance at his uncle before bidding the cheerleader farewell.

Hands stuffed in his volleyball jacket, the high school setter casually made his way over to his curious uncle.

"Good game," Oikawa murmured out, eyes locked on the cheerleader who waited down the hallway alone. Takeru didn't meet his uncle's heavy gaze, instead he passed him quickly, a blush very apparent on his cheeks. 

"Thanks," he coughed out. Oikawa couldn't help but laugh. The action reminded him so much of Iwa-chan. 

_Iwa-chan._

 

Readjusting his crutches on his arms, Tooru and Takeru slowly made their way back to the black car that was parked outside already waiting for them. They made small talk about key points in the game; Tooru praised and corrected his nephew. Takeru truly was a talented player who took after his uncle. 

"So, since when did you have a girlfriend of all things, huh Takeru?" Oikawa teases lightly, a coy grin spreading deviously across his face. His eyes twinkle with mischief as he watches Takeru grow tense and  _very_ embarrassed. "She's very pretty but I feel so betrayed! How could you date your rival? I should tell your mother of such disgrace you bring to our family!" He's joking of course. 

"No one really cares about that anymore, except for old guys like you Tooru."

"Hey! I'm not old and don't call me Tooru, have some respect for your uncle! Look, even though I'm severely injured, I still went out of my way for you!" 

"Yeah, thanks uncle," Takeru says with a soft smile on his face. "I know, I really do appreciate it." Oikawa hums in delight and Takru seems to understand the gratitude. 

As Takeru made his way inside the backseat, Oikawa heard the stern call of his name. Glancing over his shoulder, he's greeted with the sight of a very annoying teammate. 

Clearly caught off guard, Oikawa's eyes grow wide with surprise and he almost sways to the side off his crutches. "Ushiwaka-chan! Are you stalking me now since I'm not at practice?" 

Ushiwaka makes his way over to Oikawa and to the setter's upmost surprise-he see's Takeru's girlfriend closely behind the giant winged spiker. He turns to throw a Takeru a glare as realization hits him. "You're dating Ushiwaka's niece of all people?!" he hisses out into the car. 

"Is there a problem with my niece, Oikawa?" Ushiwaka asks with clear offensive. Drawing his attention back to the large man, Tooru throws on a fake smile. 

"Of course not, I'm just surprised under such circumstances," he clarifies, voice strained. Ushikawa raises a questioning eyebrow but nonetheless, nods in agreement. He doesn't miss the flicker of eyes from his face to his injured knee. 

"I overheard coach talking to your manager. Are you truly considering resigning, Oikawa?" the wing spiker asks, a tone of authority in his voice. Tooru feels his blood run cold, a large lump stuck in his throat. No one was supposed to officially know about that yet-it was just a thought after all. 

"I didn't peg you as a nosy person, Ushiwaka-chan," the setter retorts. Annoyance is clear on Ushiwaka's face. 

"And I didn't peg you as a someone who is defeated so easily," his teammate throws back as his car pulls up right behind Oikawa's. The wing spiker make his way to open the backseat door for his niece.  Right before he eases himself into the car, Ushiwaka turns back to stare at Oikawa. His eyes are serious, hard and filled with nothing but disappointment.

"What happened to that damned insignificant pride of yours, Oikawa?" he calls out before settling himself inside and slamming the car door shut. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

_"I need this alone."_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

They make their way back to his sister's house in silence. Thankfully, Takeru doesn't bring up the recent encounter or groundbreaking news he's just heard. Instead, the young volleyball player looks out the car window. If Tooru's right-which he is most of the time-he could say Takeru's gaze is almost sad. Oikawa leans back against the leather seats, glaring at the crutches that a placed beside him. 

He hadn't wanted Takeru-or anyone of that matter-to find out that way. Recently, Oikawa had been feeling an overwhelming array of confusing emotions. He was pissed that the volleyball gods had bestowed another injury on him, he was tired from putting up the little facade with Iwa-chan, he was sad because all of the hard work he had put in recently. It was finally getting to him. 

Perhaps it would be better if he just stopped now, save him the pain of any future injuries to come. That's all it would come down to, right? Oikawa would just end up having to work around his injury, putting in extra time just to stay on everyone else's level. It was grueling and tiresome work and at this point, everything just felt like it was suffocating him, crashing down on him. The anxiety was getting the better of him.

Glancing over to Takeru, he noticed his nephew's heavy gaze on his right hand. He hadn't noticed that it was trembling. Clenching it into a fist, he guiltily turned is head towards the window and focused on the familiar houses they passed in silence. 

When they arrived, Takeru muttered out that he would be going to shower before supper and made his way up the stairs of his home. Oikawa lounged in the living room, waiting for his sister to return from work. 

Despite all of Tooru's insistent offering to pay off everything for his sister and buy her a home closer to his, his sister always stubbornly denied. It didn't stop Oikawa from sending her monthly checks-Hajime either. His sister was a prideful woman who worked hard to support herself and her son. With Takeru's bastard father out of the picture, his sister did her best to give her son everything he wanted in life. Oikawa and Iwa-chan did as well, they absolutely adored the kid to death and would make sure to anything they could in their power. His sister had always joked to her younger brother that he was Takeru's godfather but he knew she had meant it. If anything were to ever happen to her, Oikawa-without an ounce of hesistance-would willingly take Takeru in as his own. Iwa-chan had no problem of sorts with this either. He and his sister were very close as well; Iwa-chan often regarded her as an older sister of his own. 

Too lost in thought, Tooru didn't register the sound of keys rattling against each other and unlocking the front door. 

"Tooru, is that you?" he finally heard her call out as she made her way into the living room. Snapping back to reality, he greeted his sister kindly. She made her way over to him, embracing him with a hug. 

"Is Takeru upstairs?" she asked as she began to make supper. Oikawa had offered but she denied, stating that he was the guest tonight. 

"Yeah, he's getting cleaned up," Tooru responded, settling himself at the kitchen table. Oikawa watched wordlessly as his older sister cooked with delight. It was nostalgic, taking him back to his younger days when she would prepare his school lunches for him and Hajime.

"Hajime called me yesterday," she begins in an airy tone. He knows where she's going with this. Crossing his arms defensively, he leans back waiting. "You two still fighting?" 

Oikawa glares at his knee, avoiding her heavy set gaze. "I don't know, we don't talk about it." 

"He sounded pretty bad on the phone, Tooru. Don't give him such a hard time."

"He's the one being ridiculous!" Oikawa defends himself, voice raising. It's all the anger he's been hiding, finally building up only to be erupted violently. 

"You and uncle Hajime are fighting?" Takeru's voice interrupts. Tooru snaps his head in direction of his nephew's  _very_ concerned voice. His eyes are wide, weary. His mother realizes it as well and rushes over to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, offering him a smile. 

"Takeru-Honey, why don't you go upstairs and work on your homework in the meantime. Supper is almost ready," she suggests, guiding him out the kitchen. 

"Is it about what Ushijima said earlier, Uncle? About you quitting?" 

Tooru feels the lump again and his stomach is clenching with discomfort. He wants to throw up. "No, everything is fine, Takeru. Don't worry about it, me and Iwa-chan are-"

"Don't lie to me. You've never lied to me before so don't start now," his nephew demands angrily. Tooru bits his lips, guilty.

"Please, Takeru," he hears his sister whisper. Takeru is glaring at him, evidently pissed. Finally, he turns away and makes his way back up the stairs. The two siblings flinch when they heat the door slam shut.

His sister leans against the wall, frowning at her younger brother. "He looks up you, you know? Hajime, too."

Oikawa nods, closing his eyes and concentrating on not throwing up from the stress.  Her next words come out in a whisper. "You're the closest thing he has to a father, Tooru. He tells me that all the time."

His stomach flips, churns with pain. He's knows this already. Back when Takeru's father had just left the picture, Oikawa and Iwa-chan had stepped up their game and made sure Takeru was cared for properly. On Father's Day weekend, the three of them had gone camping for quality time together. Around that time he and Iwa-chan hadn't gotten together yet. He remembers being so thankful that his best friend went out of his way for him. 

On the night before they were to return home, the three of them laid by the small fire that Iwa-chan had set up and stared up at the glittering stars. Tired from their hike earlier, Iwa-chan had knocked out within seconds. Takeru was fighting sleep but in his last moments of consciousness, he had turned to Oikawa, smiling softly. 

"You're the best father I could ever have, Tooru," he had mumbled out before his eyes fluttered shut. Oikawa was left with a blooming fondness and warm happiness in his heart. Since then, Oikawa had promised himself to be the best role model he could for Takeru. 

His sister moved to take a seat beside him, clasping her hand in his. "Please don't quit, I know it's easier to give up but find it in yourself to keep going," she says softly. "And if you can't do it for yourself, then do it for Takeru."

Tooru didn't fight the tears that fell over his face. Quitely, he gave in and let them fall shamelessly onto the kitchen table.

Gracefully, she pulls Tooru in for a hug as the younger sibling sheds all of his pent up tears. He's mourning everything that he's lost. His sister's soft hands comb through his curly brown locks. Oikawa wants to feel pathetic for being a grown man, for not being able to handle his shit. He wants to feel shameful for hiding in the embrace of his older sister, seeking out her comfort.

But he doesn't let himself. He knows he's been strong for too long. And even the strongest waver sometimes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

_"The burdens on this chest-"_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Oikawa decided to head home after dinner. Takeru doesn't say a word and Tooru doesn't push him. He has every right to feel betrayed. When he's ready, the olympic athlete will seek out his nephew with welcoming arms.

But for now he'll leave him be.

He bids them both a farewell and heads back to Tokyo.

 

 

 

Upon returning to his apartment, his driver helps Oikawa take his small duffle bag of clothing up to his room. Kindly, he thanks the man and bids him a farewell. He's utterly exhausted from the long trip, emotionally and physically at this point. Using the last of his force, he swings himself over to the couch and flops down on the piece of leather. Burrying his face in the cushion, he lets himself have a couple of moments of rest before having to get up and make another trip back to his bed. Sleeping on the couch would only leave him more sore. 

"Oikawa?" he hears Iwa-chan call out. Quickly, the brunette pulls himself up to meet the surprised gaze of his boyfriend who stands merely feet away from him. 

"Ehhhh? What are you doing here, Iwa-chan? I thought you didn't come back until tomorrow night!" Oikawa exclaims, shifting so that he's sitting upright now. Iwa-chan lets out a content sigh and heads over to sit beside the setter. 

"I missed you," Iwa-chan admits, eyes wandering everywhere except Oikawa. Tooru can't help but think of his sister's words earlier. 

_He sounded pretty bad._

He brings his hand up to gently cup Iwa-chan's face. Turning him to meet his gaze, the athlete pulls his boyfriend down for a soft kiss. Their eyes flutter shut and Iwa-chan gratefully returns the kiss, threading his finger through Tooru's messy hair. They fall into a frenzy of sorts, mouths clashing against each other and bodies molding together. Tooru finds himself shifting so that he's settled onto Iwa-chan's lap. 

He grinds his lips against his boyfriends, throwing his head back and letting out a satisfied groan. Iwa-chan moves his lips down to Oikawa's neck and the brown haired man feels like he could die in this moment. Oikawa rolls his hips again and Iwa-chan snaps. He hauls Oikawa up and instantly, the setter wraps his long legs around his boyfriend's hips. He ignores the pain that courses though his knee. Instead, he continues to kiss his boyfriend as Iwa-chan stumbles his way to their bed. 

 

 

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa whispers as he draws lazy patterns on Hajime's chest. The two are exhausted from their previous  _activities,_ lost in the comfort of each other now. Tooru's head is rested on the spiky haired man's chest and Iwa-chan's arm is thrown around him, pulling him to his sweaty body. 

 Tooru basks in the warm feeling that Iwa-chan emanates. He hears Hajime hum in response, prompting him to continue.

"Let's get lost," he mumbles out. Shyly, he lifts his head so he can gauge Iwa-chan's expression. He's frowning down at him, eyebrows scrunched up in what must be confusion-or sadness? 

"What makes you say that?" he asks huskily, fingers finding their way back to Oikawa's hair. 

"I-I just want to get away from all of it for a while," Tooru's voice is slightly above a whisper. "I just want to be with Iwa-chan and not have to worry about a thing." 

"Dumbass," he hears him mumble into his hair. "I'm here now."  Iwa-chan doesn't say anymore and when Oikawa glances up, he says that his boyfriend has fallen a asleep. Oikawa wanted to ask his boyfriend about his frequent trips, why he was suddenly gone all the time. It seems he would have to wait for tomorrow for his answers. Following Iwa-chan, Oikawa lets his eyes flutter shut, only to be overtaken by sleep. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_"-the vessel of these words."_

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next morning, the olympic athlete finds himself at the hospital in Iwa-chan's office. Multiple files of doctors that work in America are scattered on the desk before him. Now, these aren't just  _any_ doctor. No, these are doctors that specialize in knee surgery, the top doctors that work with other famous athletes like Oikawa himself, tops doctors that are ranked number one in the world. 

"Is this what you've been doing this whole time?" Oikawa asks in disbelief. The words are expressed slowly, cautiously. "Networking?"

"I thought a lot about what you said that night-about how I can't be the one to save you," the doctor begins, eyes dropping to stare at the files scattered on his desk. 

"Hajime-"

"How I can't save you, you're right. I can't."

"I didn't-"

"But I do have the power, the authority, and the resources to find you a top notch doctor who can, Tooru. I've talked to all these doctors and they are more than happy to work with you and get you ready for the games."

The games. He still hadn't told Iwa-chan yet. Catching Oikawa's guilty face, the doctor leans forward, eyes piecring. "Oikawa?"

The browned haired man purses his lips, and twiddles his finger together. It was a nervous habit, one that dates back to his childhood days. "What I said that night, I don't think you understood why I said it."

"But I do, you were right to say I wasn't capable."

"I didn't mean it like that Iwa-chan."

"I can't do the surgery, Oikawa."

Oikawa Tooru is tired. He's exhausted of fighting with this man he loves so much. He's exhausted from putting up a facade for weeks and avoiding the subject, He's exhausted from supporting himself on those damn crutches that leave his armpits itchy and red. He's exhausted from all the interviews he has to put up with. He's exhausted of always putting a fake smile on his face to please the one's around him. He's tired of the pitying looks he gets when he heads to the coffee shop, struggling to maneuver himself around. He's tired of the over exaggerating headlines that claim one of the best athletes in the word is severely injured and is on the brink of ending his career. He's tired of Iwa-chan's long hours at the hospital. He's tired of his busy schedule that leaves him thousands of miles away from his lover. He's tired of never being home with his parents or Hajime for the holidays because America is hosting a friendly that donates to charity yearly.

He's tired of sacrificing everything.

 

The storm had finally caught up with him, time has finally ran out and Oikawa Tooru is _exhausted._

"Fine," he says simply, staring Hajime in the eye. Crossing his arms, he picks up a file and begins to review the contents it holds. He can sense Iwa-chan's surprise. 

"What?" Iwa-chan hitches out. 

Oikawa doesn't look up from the file, eyes skimming over words and scanning for important details. "That night, I was angry because you had told me no. Iwa-chan, you've never told me before, never denied my requests. I was pissed and I went to far when I said that to you. Admittly, I did mean it but I didn't think you would believe me so easily. It wasn't supposed to work out that way. You were supposed to fight me back. I shouldn't have said that to you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting this  _burden_ on you cause oh my God-you went to fucking America-" He's sobbing now. Hands are balled into fists, crinkling the papers in his skinny hands but Oikawa refuses to look up yet. He's not done. "I'm a fucking asshole and I don't deserve you. I'm a selfish prick who doesn't know when to fucking stop. I overstepped my boundaries and I've created this huge mess for you and the worst part of it is that I don't even know if I want to continue with volleyball anymore."

There. He's said it. He squeezes his eyes shut, awaiting Iwa-chan's response. 

Except Iwa-chan doesn't respond. 

Opening his eyes, Oikawa is presented with Hajime's horrified face. Never before has Oikawa seen his boyfriend's eyes so wide and his jaw-it's actually hanging open. 

"Hajime?"

It's as if Iwa-chan is processing everything, carefully taking in everything Tooru just spewed out. 

"Last night, you were being serious?" he says slowly, eyes focused intensely on Oikawa's nervous face. Tooru blinks a couple of times, biting his lips in anticipation after he nods in response. 

" _You want to give up everything?_ " Hajime grounds out. 

"I'm not giving up everything, Iwa-chan."

"Yes you are you idiot! Just because an obstacle is thrown your way you don't give up! You work harder, Shittykawa!" he practically yells. His hands slam down on the table and Oikawa flinches. "I thought you of all people would have known that by now."

"It's more than just that, Hajime!" Oikawa desperately tries to reason. 

"No, I refuse to believe that. The Oikawa I fell hopelessly in love with would never say that. He's a fighter, sure he can let his emotions get the better of him sometimes but once that guys sets his mind to something he fucking gets shit done. He's got the spirit of a true warrior. He fights back with everything he's got and takes a challenge head on."

Oikawa drops his gaze back down to his lap. 

"Who  _are_ you?" Iwa-chan asks, face twisted with so many conflicting emotions. He runs a hand over his face, only to place it over his mouth is disbelief. 

"I'm me, Iwa-chan," Tooru reasons gently. Hajime shake shake his head. 

"What's happend to you? I've never seen you like this before." 

Oddly enough, the words sound quite familiar. It's like a punch to the gut, his pride being degraded.

His pride. Oh-he remembers that.

Ushijimi had left Oikawa with a heavy impression after their small encounter.

_What happened to that damned pride of yours, Oikawa?_

 

What happened, indeed. 

 

 

 

 

 

Oikawa is left with nothing but his thoughts for the next couple of days. Iwa-chan has to return to his work at the hospital but Oikawa believes he must find some satisfaction in being able to escape the stranger that he had become now. He know's he's really let Hajime down this time. It's as if he's mourning the old Oikawa. He doesn't blame him, Tooru can't help but wonder what he's become. 

Never in his life did he think things would turn out like this. He loves volleyball, it's his life. He's accomplished so much in such a short amount of time but lately, he feels like he needs to convince himself that he really does love this sport. Hajime was right when he had stated that Oikawa tended to let his emotions get the best of him. Perhaps this injury was really affecting him greatly. The realization didn't stop the feelings though. They had surfaced for a reason. 

Plauged, Oikawa decided he would revisit his roots. Where better to begin than his childhood, the heart of his passion. Hobbling over to the drawer beside the large TV screen, Tooru rummaged through a set of old tapes. Finding the ones his mother had copied for him and labeled neatly, Tooru ordered them by date and began to watch his childhood. 

The videos began from before his mother's time of pregnancy. It was somewhat funny to watch his mother and Hajime's-best friends like themselves-gush about their children to come. 

It moved from the their birth to their first words, laughs, and movements. In every video, Oikawa was seen with Hajime. They were unseperable. Always together, they two were recorded as they made their rights of passages. From the time Oikawa picked up his fist volleyball to his highs cool matches, Tooru was lost in the little story his mom and sister documented for him. He felt very grateful towards them. They supported him the most in what he did along with Iwa-chan of course. Growing up, Oikawa hadn't realized what an amazing team of support he had around him. 

He had parents who sure, couldn't make every game, but did go on the rare time they had. He had teachers who worked around his schedules. He had amazing coaches who saw potential and dedication in a young rising star, who helped shaped and guide him in the right direction. He had awesome upperclassmen who give motivational speeches and reminded him that hard work payed off, that things got better. He had strong teammates that let him embrace the beautiful thing called glory. He had the best sister ever, one who whipped him in shape when he would stray off the road sometimes of just needed comfort and advice. He had an  engraving best friend that supported him in everything he did, who never lost faith in the capabilities of Oikawa Tooru, who always offered a helping hand, who defended Oikawa's pride like it was his own, who brought out the best in boy with a simply love for volleyball.

These people made sacrifices too; they put time and dedication in Oikawa. Giving up now would mean giving up on these people, letting down and taking away their hard work. 

 

"I remember that match," Iwa-chan muses, taking a seat beside Oikawa on the couch. Tooru had been so lost in thought they he hadn't realized Hajime had returned from work. "Kindaichi took one to the back of his head pretty bad."

Oikawa couldn't help but laugh and Iwa-chan joined in as well as the screen showed an injured Kindaichi flailing his arms into the air after one of Oikawa's failed jump serves. He had felt bad for hurting his darling underclassman but the look on Kunimi's face has been way too priceless to resist laughing. 

Eventually, Tooru leaned himself against Hajime, threading his fingers together. Halfway through the stack of videos, Iwa-chan asked what had brought this whole thing on. The athlete explained his realization and desire to rediscover himself. 

"I think that's a wonderful idea," Iwa-chan had mumbled out. 

"Awh, you're such a big softy Iwa-chan."

"Shut it Shittykawa," he responded, pulling Oikawa closer against him. The words held no real malice. Together, they lost themselves in the captured memories that built their lives. They were almost to the end of high school videos when Oikawa decided to speak again. 

"I think I know why I love volleyball so much," he begins to explain in a voice that holds familiar confidence. 

"Yeah?" Hajime prompts, smiling down at Oikawa happily. 

"I won't deny that I enjoy the validation it comes with, the recognition and gratifying feelings that are rewarded at the end of it all. Now that I think about it, I don't think I'll ever lose the itch my fingers feel, yearning to feel the texture of a volleyball. I'll never get over how my palm feels when I slam down a volleyball or set it perfectly only to watch my teammates craft all of their potential to my toss. I can't live in a world where volleyball doesn't exist, it's unfathomable." He's rambling now, getting lost in the nostalgic feeling. 

"But if I _really_ think about it, when I think back on the span of my whole volleyball career-I have never loved volleyball as much as I did when I played with you."

Hajime's eyes are searching but Oikawa continues on. "You were the one who walked into my backyard years ago on that hot summer afternoon and told me we should try it out. I wouldn't be where I am today, living this life if it weren't for you, Iwa-chan. I love volleyball because I love you, because it reminds me of all the things you are. It gives me purpose, a reason to strive. Just like you do."

Iwa-chan's lips are moving against his, slowly and gently. Tooru clutches onto Hajime's shirt. He can feel the mutual feelings Hajimes holds for him, all poured into the exchange of kisses. Oikawa pulls away, resting his forehead against his best friend's.

"I think, with everything that's been happening-our tight schedules, the stress from work, my knee, I just got lost in all. I was overwhelmed and scared because you even seemed unsure. It freaked me out when you refused. I felt like there was no hope, that even my savior couldn't. I'm sorry for pressing that onto you, Iwa-chan. I understand why you don't want to do. " 

"And why is that?" 

"Because you're scared that something will go wrong on that operating table," Tooru answers. "You're afraid that something bad could happen and I'll be gone forever. You're afraid that you won't be able to fix the problem and that I'll resent you-which let me tell you will never happen. I could never hate you. You're afraid of a burden it could leave you with. Am I right?"

"Partially, you hit the major points," Iwa-chan acknowledges, cupping Oikawa's face. "I was mostly afraid that I would go through with the surgery and that I'd fix your knee and you'd still lose your reason for playing. That I wouldn't be able to truly save you from yourself." 

Oikawa doesn't miss the tense of that sentence. "You say was?"

"Well," the spiky haired man breathes out, cocking his head to the side. "After what you've just said, can I take it you've found your purpose again, Oikawa?" 

Tooru smiles-soft and free and openly-without strain or weighing feelings, nodding his head in response. 

"Then I'll do it," Hajime complies. 

Oikawa pulls away, shaking his head vigorously. "You don't have to-"

"I want to, Oikawa," he assures him, grasping both of his hands. "I'm okay now. Let me do this for you."

Once again, the setter finds himself in tears, sobbing into his boyfriend's shirt. Reassuringly, Iwa-chan pats his back, whispering words of love and promises. The TV continues to play everlasting memories of their youth, a gently reminder of a fragile life that was influenced in all the right ways. 

The words of Oikawa's sister's voice are lost in the buzz on the TV. The screen shows the two boys settled in the carpet of Oikawa's living room and his sister settled comfortably on the couch. 

 

_"I read a story in history class today, do you guys want to hear it?" she asks. Hajime flashes her a toothy grin and nods his head. Tooru on the other head groans. "Bah, it's probably stupid."_

_"Tooru!" his mother reprimands._

_"Fine, suit yourself, I'll just tell Hajime the story," his sister retorts, obviously bitter. Oikawa pretends he's not listening, drawing his apparent focus to his very interning coloring book but eventually finds himself immersed in the odd tale._

_"It's a story about a strong warrior-a king, born for nothing but glory. Apparently, he's supposed to be powerful and has the spirit of a thousand suns. This guy rules a_ _kingdom, conquering everyone who stands in his way. He's undefeatable._

_But one day, he meets a man named Death. He foolishly tries to fight death but loses. When the king asks how this is possible, Death tells him he cannot be defeated. He tells the king that when his time comes, he should not fight Death because Death is the true glory of things. Death is the gently reminder that validates the king's life. Without Death, the king would truly never live a satisfying life. So the king eventually accepts Death as his friend."_

_"That's dumb, I don't get it!" Oikawa whines out._

_"I thought you weren't listening!"_

_"Yeah, I don't understand it either," Hajime admits, scratching the back of his head._

_"Basically, here's this guy who is destined to have everything worked out for him. It's not that he doesn't work hard, because he does. But then he meets this other guy, a representation of Death itself. Death tells him that his life will be meaningless if he doesn't accept him, that all his conquering will be for nothing, without purpose. Death is meaningful in that sense that he gives the king purpose. Death validates the king. He reminds him what the values to life and all his success. He keeps the king in line, you know? The king realizes this and accepts Death as a best friend because when his time comes to pass, Death won't be such a scary of unforgiving thing. No-Death will be a welcoming friend, an acknowledgment to everything he did in that life."_

_The two friends sit in silince for a while._

_"Uhhhh," Tooru says, even more confused._

_"I kind of get it but it's still kinda hard to grasp," Hajime responds._

_"What Iwa-chan, you understand that stupid story?!"_

_"Bahh, you two will get it when you get older," his sister groans out, getting up and excusing herself out of the room._

_"Nah," Tooru denies, flipping his wrist to dismiss her statement. Hajime just shrugs and the two friends resume to their playtime._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

_"Sinking under tension-"_

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

"Iwa-chan! Can you please change the channel! This reporter is talking about me and my surgery today and it's making me nervous!" Oikawa calls out from his prep bed. Iwa-chan stands by the edge of his bed, scribbling some notes down. 

"The remote is right next to your call button, change it yourself."

"SO MEAN IWA-CHAN! I'M ABOUT TO HAVE MAJOR KNEE SURGERY AND YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS?" 

"Keep it down, Shittykawa, there are other patients in here too, you know!" the doctor reprimands. "And shut up, you're making me nervous. If you continue with your complaining, I'm going to take it all back and send you home!"

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa gasps, horrified. 

"Oikawa-san, there's someone requesting to see you before you go in," a nurse says as she approaches the bed. 

"Let him in," Iwa-chan replies easily, changing the channel of the TV. Oikawa throws his boyfriend a questioning look but when he see's Takeru and his sister, he immediately understands. "Iwa-chan," he breathes out gently. 

"He's all yours," Iwa-chan mutters out, walking away to give them some privacy. 

"Hey," Takeru greets, sitting himself in the empty chair beside Oikawa's hospital bed. 

"Hey," Tooru mumbled back, frowning at Takeru's guilty face. He shouldn't be the one who feels so regretful. "Thanks for coming." 

"Of course I'd come, you're a huge scary cat."

"Not you too, Takeru! Iwa-chan truly has tainted you!" Takeru forces a strained smile on his face. He glances over to his mom who immediately catches the memo and excuses herself as well. 

"Uncle, I'm sorry for the other night, I didn't mean to blow up at you like that," his nephew apologizes, eyes dropping to the floor. Oikawa shake his head and ruffles Takeru's head. 

"You have nothing to apologize about. I shouldn't have lied to you in the first place, and you shouldn't have found out like that. I let you down I failed you as a father." 

 _"_ Never," Takeru defends immediately. "Uncle-"

"I know Takeru, I know." Takeru smiles, grateful. 

"Are you still going to quit though?" he wonders. Tooru looks up at the TV screen, not meeting Takeru's curious gaze. 

"No, I'm not. I'm going to have surgery and then work my ass off so that I can kick some Olympic ass at these next games. Your uncle can't be seen as a quitter you know?" Takeru laughs at that. 

"So we're good?" Tooru clarifies. "Yeah, we're good," his nephew agrees. Right on cue, Hajime and his sister appear at the end of Oikawa's bed. 

"It's time," Iwa-chan announces. More nurses come to lift the side of the rails that are connected to his bed. They tell him to say his farewells. Except Oikawa doesn't say goodbye. Because goodbye means forever and he knows even in death, he'll find them all again. 

As the nurses push begin to haul his bed Oikawa tells his family he loves them, and that he'll return healthy again. He also reminds Takeru not to record him or he'll spill some secrets to his mother about a certain cheerleader. 

"Hey, Takeru" Tooru calls out as they begin to move him down the hall. His nephew gives him his full attention. "You should ask your mother about a story about a king and his best friend Death, I think you'll really like it. I know I do!'

"LAST I RECALL YOU HATED IT YOU IDOIT LIAR!" his sister calls out. Tooru chuckles and waves before they turn him down the hallway. He's pushed into an operating room where Iwa-chan waits for him. 

"Well hello there Hot Doctor-san," Oikawa greets with a cunning smile. Iwa-chan rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless. "Oikawa," he reprimands lightly. 

"I know, I know." 

"Ok, Oikawa-san," the nurse interupts, injecting medicine into Tooru's IV. "You're going to feel sleepy, now. It might be scary but try not to fight it. Close your eyes and start counting down from ten."

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa whines out, suddenly hit with a wave of anxiety. 

"I'm right here, Tooru,"  he assures him, squeezing his hand. 

"I love you, Hajime Iwaizumi." Iwa-chan bends down to kiss his forehead.

"Relax, I'm going to be right here when you wake up." Oikawa nods, running his free hand through his fringe and taking a deep breath before closing his eyes. 

"I love you too, Oikawa."

Oikawa doesn't fight the sleepiness that clouds over him. Instead, he gratefully welcomes it like an old friend. 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

_"-Drew afterthought and hurt."_

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked the concept that Oikawa was born on Alexander the Great's birthday and Iwazumi was born on the day of his death. This ideal really inspired me to write this story.
> 
> Cringes at poor transitions, lack of characterization, and vague explanations Honestly, if you made it to the end-I send you a huge thank you. This was definitely not my best work but I needed to get it out. 
> 
> Lyrics are from Vancouver Sleep Clinic- Flaws. 
> 
> Once again thank you for reading, feedback and critique is greatly welcomed! (●´ω｀●)


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